WARNING: The content of The Zephyr Lounge: After Dark may say to hell with decency. Needless to say, this area is restricted to people aged 18+. The Zephyr Lounge: After Dark may touch base on, and present, material that may be of a profane and/or sexually explicit nature and should probably not be viewed by anyone. But, this is the Internet after all…
I’m not ashamed to admit that I love McDonald’s. I still eat Chicken McNuggets like they came from the table of Zeus himself. McDonald’s fries are still the best fries in the world. Hell, even the fact that I can’t go into McDonald’s without being subjected to Fox News hasn’t crippled my love of the place.
I have been indoctrinated by Ronald McDonald more effectively than any holy-rollin’ evangelical preacher who ever tried.
At the same time, I do not love McDonald’s as much as this guy.
That’s just a small sampling of Tweets about the sitophiliac incident making its tour of the World Wide Web.
The fact this story is trending speaks to our cultural relationship with paraphilias. For most of us, our thing likely isn’t a “long-winded sexual struggle” with something from a fast food dollar menu. Instead it’s hair color, eye color, breast size, booty, nurse outfits, shaved genitalia — generally innocuous stuff. But for other people, their paraphilias are a little more outside of the scope of what we would consider “normal.” After all, this isn’t the first time the Internet buzzed about someone practicing sitophilia.
Just a couple of years ago, Twitter user @VERSACEPOPTARTS uploaded vines of himself screwing a Pop Tarts box, followed by another vine of him fornicating with a Hot Pocket. But the shock vids didn’t stop at merely Internet uploads. He also sent them to the official Twitter accounts of both purveyors of snackage, which resulted in the companies blocking him and account closures by both Twitter and Vine.
With the @VERSACEPOPTARTS incident in mind, maybe I’m reading too much into the McChicken debacle. Maybe the McChickenlover just thought “how can I break the Internet” and decided since he did not have Kim Kardashian’s ass, he would instead just James Deen the shit out of a McChicken sandwich. At the end of the day, regardless of why this video exists, I think it is screenwriter Adam Herz‘s fault.
Instead of buying 1001 Baby Names, how about asking your peers for naming advice?
What’s in a name?
One of the most harrowing parts of pregnancy is coming up with the name your demon-spawn will carry with them for their days. While some prospective parents fall back on such classics as “David,” “Charles,” and “Rebecca,” others choose to go down a more experimental path, giving their kids names that are “So’Unique,” they are the stuff of “Ledjend.”
There are plenty of name resources out there. For an amount of money that any rational person would consider obscene, couples buy baby naming books and argue over familial traditions, forsaking those familial traditions, or whether or not whatever name whichever parent suggests may result in their kids being stuffed in lockers.
There are plenty of naming resources out there — 10,000 Names for Your Baby, The [Insert Year Here] Baby Names Almanac, HBO. But there’s also Urban Dictionary…
Urban Dictionary contains a cornucopia of names with definitions from the minds of people like you and me. Anyone can put together a book of names and their origins, but to decide a name based on the views of your peers — the “cultural” definition, so to speak — has, in this writer’s opinion, more value than whether the name has Hebrew origins.
There are thousands and thousands of names, so for the purpose of proving my thesis — that the views and opinions of the everyday person have more influence on the lives of potential children than The Complete Book of Baby Names — I’m going to use the names of my crew from my teenage years. Each name will have the picture of a celebrity with the same name, the definition of the name from one of those scam baby books, followed by the definition available on Urban Dictionary.
300 words in, the time has come to stop delaying…
“The only name that can be spelled through 5 months of the year.” — Qu Ack
“A very HOT sexy guy who seems to be unattainable.” — Court311
“… Often RF Engineer by day, gigaloo by night.” — Yomama1
“Has a really big penis. Really big. Huge.” — Fly Grll
“A guy that is so god-like you can’t even stare at him to long without your retinas burning.” — Wiggywacky
“… the king of the fist pump; he’s so good you’d think he invented it.” — Hotpinkfuzz
“Not even Jesus or Chuck Norris are as awesome as this guy.” — Hippie Princess
“… usually have enormous dicks…” — D4ddy
“The incarnation of awesome.” — Torture12345
“… a fairly mediocre person… proud of his mediocreness, which will range from his looks to his personality to his sex life, right down to his average little penis… very mediocre pain tolerance, so much so that if he were to burn his thumb while smoking with a rate Bahamian glass pipe he would drop the pipe instead of trying to protect the priceless piece.” — The Brock Solid
“A guy who loves to take his shirt off n spin his dick around like a helicopter like Petey Pablo.” — Mixxedteal
“The most stacked geezer in existence and the king of all gym lads. His looks can kill you and his bod is amazing. He is the one and only pussy destroyer.” — Netflix And Chill All Day
“A young male man who often takes the form of a pelican.” — Mr. Squiggle
“Someone who has extordinary strength and is uber cool. Often confused with the Hulk, Hercules, or Superman.” — Will Whiteside
“A popular slang-name in the UK for a Vodka & Red-Bull alcoholic drink.” — PUNX-UK
“A sexy beast. Often horny. Loves sexual fantasies! Most likely a non-virgin before marriage. HAWT! Loyal and understanding. Beautiful.” — Cocopuffs666
“Lestrade’s sniffer dog; a man who loves dinosaurs, gets his floors scrubbed by Sally Donovan, and possibly has the lowest IQ in all of London.” — John Hamish Watson
“When you sit in a Skype call for an extended period of time and pretend you are a rock and wait for someone to mention yourself before you reveal yourself.” — Skaut
“1. a popular sirname in the United States 2. a poor city in South Carolina 3. a decaying Rust Belt city in Indiana, 37 miles NE of Indianapolis” — krock1dk
“A player who can not control his hormones. And fucks everything that walks.” –Kathy Flores
“When one uses an X-ray in the popular video game Mortal Kombat X repetitively to win a match but loses in the end.” — Arthurbobsepic
“A Mexican man, usually fat. He likes cuss at people and shove around people. Other than that, he is a sort of nice person.” — Chocolate Border Collie
“Another word for shit.” — Domaday Puran
“In Guatemala, a ‘manuel’ is similar to saying a tight ass or a stingy person. So pretty much is someone who doesn’t like to spend a lot of money and thinks everything is expensive. They want discounts on everything.” — Saul J.
Bryin (traditionally spelled ‘Brian’)
“1. A guy who’s heart is captured by the same girl always yet lives his life as if she didn’t exist when she’s not around. 2. Term for the best guy friend conversationalist. Someone you can vent to an actually get feedback and opinions. 3. A reliable “lean on me” kinda friend” — Amanda Nicole Romanach
“A highly intelligent guy who is handsome, funny, sexy, a great kisser… hung like a horse.” — Priviledged
“Also known as ‘Thundercock.'” — Diggidy332
“From the Celtic meaning having a very large penis and a lot of sexual stamina.” –Trevor82
“Usually referred to a big black bear. Has the ability to kill you but is too damn lazy and just goes ‘wwwooowwwww…….'” — Damnit Brian!
“The standard IT guy’s name.” — DaWordSmith
“A formidable foe to normal people. Intelligent, strong forceful. A weird hybrid of a bully and a nerd. As well as the first dictator of the America and king of the new peaceful world. Also known as Timebomb and various other variations including at least TB.” — TkTb
“A man who is above all men. He reads the Urban Dictionary definitions and laughs at them.” — TheKarmaMan
“Name for a person capable of maintaining a massive erection through hours of vigorous intercourse with even the most experienced women.” — SuperBabyMethod
“A magical tree that grows fruits that have been combined with other fruits.” — Raiza
“Treena: Groovy woman of rock and roll a love of Music.” — Treena McQueen
“Somebody who has just got what u need. A ‘Jeff’ is somebody who knows what it’s about.” — Je2f
“The correct spelling of Geoff.” — AdrianBourke
“A skeeza and a pleasa. Has the biggest schlong, dinga dong, kinga kong (if ya know what I mean).” — Clever Bastard
“… a name given to perhaps the only people with the capability of defeating Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris needs help, Jeff is the person that he will call.” — No, Bob Is Not My Uncle
“Broken penis caused by walking, slamming or, running into something or someone.” — Jamesyo
“An amazing person who plays guitar, likes alternative rock, and most likely sports a faux-hawk.” — Glassesandglitter
“A sneaky fucker. Acts all innocent but then surprises you with a whole storm of everloving shit.” — Mungus Hungus
“The guy who ALWAYS takes a dump at work, he may even describe it to you. Will repeatedly tell the same joke ‘I just got paid to take a shit!'” — JrPw
“A name, not relating to the book ‘Twilight’. Most Edwards are ashamed to be associated with such an embarrassment of a book. Every time a girl meets an Edward, some instinct in their deranged little fan-girl heads causes them to blurt out ‘OMG EDWARD LYKE EDWARD CULLEN OMGOMGOMGOMG<3333333333 ARE YOU A VAMPIRE?!'” — Xhoi
“A character for the mass mess TWILIGHT. A 108 year old virgin, supposedly a vampire, who sparkles in the sunlight, loves a bland character due to their smell and has no personality. He is most noted for his stalking of said female.” — SparkleEater
“Albino crackhead with Lyme disease; has the smile of a rapist and should get a new weave.” — Ruthhii.
“Explosive. Diarrhea. With. A. Running. Drip.” –Thiefingdude
“A bong with a pentagonal base, making it less likely to tip over and spill.” –Deece
“A rare species of mosquito. Edwards are very large, reaching around six feet of height at adulthood. Their pores contain small neon sacs, which emit a white glow in certain lights, and cause Edwards to stay indoors most of the time.” — Seven8910
“A sexual predator who loves being taken from behind!” — Wilbarwrite
Well, this has been an interesting experiment. I guess the biggest takeaway here is that one should probably not use Urban Dictionary as a means to determine what to name their offspring. Aside from the fundamental lack of definitions for Raiza and Treena, most of these names contain references to big dicks and oral sex.
I suppose we shouldn’t be to shocked, though. This is the Internet, after all.
Also, you probably shouldn’t name your son Philip.