Training Videos, Part 2: Wendy’s

Our second foray into bizarre training videos brings us face-to-face with Pippi Longstocking and a series of failed attempts to appeal to urban youth.

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About a year ago, we dove headfirst into Blockbuster training videos. It was a disturbing affair

Holy shit! These videos are, like, so ridiculously 90s!

Or, like Peter Engel secretly collaborated with David Cronenberg in a fluorescent/techno-horror-inspired conspiracy to destroy Blockbuster from the inside out. Seriously, who the hell wants to work at Blockbuster after watching Buster Sales all but tell Marie to get in his goddamn van?

— but we got through it.

Since we got through Blockbuster with only modest therapy bills (well, save for Biscuit’s psychotic breakdown), we at The Zephyr Lounge: After Dark feel compelled to revisit the Golden Raspberry-worthy cinematic masterpieces companies use to teach their employees the way of the workplace. In today’s entry, we move from retail to fast food, focusing our attention on:

 

Wendy's_logo_black

 

As purveyor’s of cardiovascular distress, Wendy’s has been a staple of the fast food industry for decades. Their founder, one Mr. David Thomas, founded Wendy’s on the premise that “good ol’ fashioned haymburgers” are the “best in the bidness,” and strove until his dying day to make Wendy’s the gold-standard when it comes to grease-covered, ground-up cow bits shoved between two pieces of bread alongside pieces of a salad and sugary sauces.

And to reach that gold standard, the person making the best ol’ fashioned haymburger in the bidness needed some serious grill skills.

What began as a rejected Billy Ray Cyrus track became a longer-than-necessary introduction by Mr. Dave Thomas, then suddenly devolved into a kid who ate too many magic mushrooms learning how to operate the grill. The video is over fifteen minutes long. I don’t expect you to watch the whole thing, but if nothing else, watch from 3:30 to 11:35, and yes, that pick to your right is for the purpose of self-lobotomy.

Grill Skill is the perfect training video. It contains useful information from the guy who created the bidness, a seemingly innocuous exchange between a bright-eyed preppie and a manager who you know smokes an entire pack of menthol cigarettes each night while wondering where she went wrong in her life, malfunctioning technology as a foil for techno-horror, a bad rap by a dude who you know smokes several bowls of weed each night while wondering where he went wrong in his life, initial struggles turning into success through expedient coaching, and a happy ending for the bright-eyed preppie in a kitchen populated by people who drink excessively each night wondering where they went wrong in their lives.

But for as hilariously bad as Grill Skill is, Wendy’s isn’t done with turning away potential employees with awful information moving pictures.

In Wendy’s quest to be the best haymburger in the bidness, it was decided at some board meeting somewhere at some point that there will be strict guidelines on how Wendy’s serves cold beverages to its culinarily indecisive customer base. We are unsure of this person’s name, so for purposes of this writing, we’ll refer to this 90’s-as-fuck-looking paid actor as Rachel.

A one-minute and fifty-four second car accident, Rachel explains the company guidelines for drink presentation as if the director had recently given up on any semblance of a legitimate filmmaking career. While it seems silly to devote an entire training video to proper beverage packaging, this video is still brilliant in its awfulness. We’re not the only one’s cringing, either. Here’s what the YouTube commenters left as insight:

“I didn’t realize filling cups with liquid was so complicated it needed an instructional video.” — divefraggle

“Back when white people worked fast food.” — White Guy

“I am strangely attracted to the singing lady. Her dead stare, her sterile voice and her sickly pale skin are hypnotising [sic].” — megatroll

“Damn that drink girl was too cold, you see that ‘fuck me now’ look she gave right at the end?” — videoluvr4204

“I feel like Wendy’s was experiencing the 90’s much more vividly than we did.” — theflamelord

“This bitch got nothin’ on the ‘hot drinks’ guy.” — iamZahnder

Speaking of… If Cold Drinks is a car accident, Hot Drinks is a derailed Amtrak train.

And if Hot Drinks is a derailed Amtrak train, The Fry Guy is the goddamned Hindenburg.

Seriously, how do companies think that videos like this are going to entice prospective employees to give more than a singular shit about them? We understand these are attempts to appeal to young people — informative and kinda-culturally relevant! — but if there is one thing that turns off a young person more than the possibility of grease burns and social ridicule it’s an attempt at cultural appropriation by out-of-touch baby boomers vainly seeking to procure more human capital.

It’s possible we’re looking too much into this. Perhaps these are actually entertaining to some people? Maybe we’re just too cynical to see how impactful these videos may have been (well, except for Father Philip, who at this very moment is trying to find the director for series of inspirational videos for his church cult church).

But most of us have been resistant to this type of “trying to be cool”-type video. Granted, most of us here at The Zephyr Lounge: After Dark are early-Millennials (or Echo Boomers — we’re still trying to get that to catch), so we were often subjected to shit like this.

And people wonder why we did all of the drugs… and also ate a lot of good ‘ol fashioned haymburgers.

Featured image by Nick22aku, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license.

So Alex Jones’ Life is in Your Hands…

Alex Jones has collapsed in the produce section. What do you do?

Oh, shit. What do I do? What do I do?

Hey punkass!

You! You son of a bitch! What are you doing here?

As your moral compass, I’m here to help you make an important decision.

Oh really?

Why, yes. After all, Alex Jones’ life is literally in your hands right now.

Oh, right. *drops Jones to floor*

Quick question though. How did we get here?

Well, to make a long story short, I stopped into this store to pick up bread and he was here, screaming about a New World Order to some pineapples–

That checks.

–when he just fell down clutching the right side of his chest.

Funny how there’s a bunch of people here.

Isn’t it?

They’re giving us overtime today.

Huh?

Everyone here is failing to act because they’re talking to themselves the same way you are.

So that means?

Yes, John Nash. You’re not the only one who talks to themselves whenever faced with some kind of crisis.

So, what do I do?

I’ll tell you what you do. You go out and buy Kiss’ Psycho Circus. It’s a much better album than people remember.

What the fuck, man? What do I do about Alex Jones?!

Oh! Right. Fuck that guy. Let him die.

Are you kidding me? I’m not just gonna let him die?

Why not?

Because he’s a human being who needs help and I’m a good person who helps people when they need it!

But how do we know he’s a real person? He could be a crisis actor playing Alex Jones.

What?!

Yeah, or this is an Alex Jones clone manufactured by the United States government in partnership with Mattel.

The toy company? Who did Barbie and that green dinosaur from Toy Story?

The former only, but yes.

Wait! You don’t buy any of this conspiratorial crap, do you?

I prefer to use the term — what is it the kids say these days? — “woke.”

Woke? Really?

Yeah. I mean, I’m onto a lot of things, man. Like did you know that the government controls the weather for nefarious purposes? And Hilary Clinton was running a child sex ring out of a pizza place?

What the fuck?!

Yeah, and here’s another doozy. There’s a child slavery colony on Mars.

No there’s not! NASA came out and actually had to assure everyone there wasn’t!

But they’re the government. Of course they won’t own up to something like that.

What the fuck, man! You’re supposed to be my moral compass!

Exactly! That’s my whole point. This fuckwit actually buys into this shit and is convincing other people of it as well. Let him fucking die, man.

So, let me get this straight. You want me to let him die?

Yes. See all those people? Their moral compasses are telling them the same thing.

Just let him die of a heart attack in the produce section of H-E-B?

Or, you could be the better man and help him.

Now we’re back at square one.

Indeed. This is why I’m here.

You’re not really helping me, conscience. We’ve more or less arrived back at square one and, wait, buy Kiss’ Psycho Circus?

Yup. If you do anything else with your day, find that album.

You’re joking, right?

Nope. I’m as serious as Alex Jones is going to be if you don’t act quickly. *beat* You know, dead serious?

You’re an idiot.

I manifest from your brain.

Point taken.

So, what are you gonna do?

I’m gonna call an ambulance. He may be batshit and partially responsible for how intellectually-stunted America has become, but he’s still a person and no person deserves to die in a produce section with an audience.

If you must.

I must.

*muttering* There goes the world, I guess…

What?

There’s an opportunity here. If Alex Jones dies, then he can’t poison the minds of the less-than-educated anymore. The country will have one less purveyor of horseshit to contend with. You could be doing the world a favor here.

But if I fail to act, am I not complicit in his death?

Well, sure, but think of everyone you’d be saving in the process. Throw that switch. You know you should.

Stop trying to tempt me with the Trolley Problem!

It makes sense, doesn’t it? Think of the capacity for damage inherent in Alex Jones. Think of the people who are worse-off because he exists. After all, does he not deserve this? Screaming at pineapples about shadow governments and shit…

He may be a loon, but he’s still a person.

Who brought this myocardial infarction on himself. Anyone who’s that pissed off all the time brings it on themselves.

But I can still help him! Show him kindness and shit! It’s the human thing to do and–

Out of the way! Move out!

Well, someone beat you too it, I guess. Someone else made the human decision and helped a dying man in need.

Fuck… now I’m that guy.

Yup. The guy who did nothing.

*sigh* Fine.

Now what are you going to do?

*typing on phone* Psssyyyccchhooo Ciiirrrcccuusss…

Featured image by Sean P. Anderson, available under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.

Training Videos, Part 1: Blockbuster

Blockbuster in the 1990s was a seriously messed up place…

YouTube is more than just WatchMojo lists, people playing video gamesfan-made lyric vids of your favorite songs, and Jessica Nigri. YouTube is also a bastion of weird shit and that bottomless rabbit hole yields some video gold.

This includes training videos. Yes, videos shown to new hires from some of the most powerful (and most dead) retail and hospitality companies to ever grace American capitalism with big bucks and big dreams. Making this even better is that — as anyone who has been forced to sit through these can attest — they go out of their way to be ridiculous. And by ridiculous, I mean straight-up embarrassing.

Our first foray into insane training videos comes courtesy of Blockbuster. You remember Blockbuster, right? That video rental place that was killed by technological progress? Well, in the early 1990s, the movie rental mega-giant introduced its new, pimple-faced employees to company sales strategies via a creepy TV set-inhabiting “authority on opportunity” named Buster Sales and the bookish Marie.

Holy shit! These videos are, like, so ridiculously 90s!

Or, like Peter Engel secretly collaborated with David Cronenberg in a fluorescent/techno-horror-inspired conspiracy to destroy Blockbuster from the inside out. Seriously, who the hell wants to work at Blockbuster after watching Buster Sales all but tell Marie to get in his goddamn van?

The first video (yes, there’s more) is eight minutes of customer service, Sean Connery movies, VCP rentals, Mrs. Harris, and *swoon* Brian!

Then there’s Kristin, a customer (and presumably a friend of Marie’s) who comes to the counter with way more VHS tapes than are necessary for someone whose day is “pretty bogus, actually.” But where there’s two girls talking about how “babysitting is such a drag” in a video store, you know who can’t be too far away…

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He can “see an opportunity coming,” specifically one that involves Marie and Kristin getting into his goddamn van. (Screenshot from YouTube).

Through the first training video (and yes, I repeat, there’s more), any prospective Blockbuster employee from the early 90s must have wondered whether they were hire to sell movies or learn how to spot a sex offender.

But if you think the first one is bad…

It’s Buster Sales two, ya’ll!

While looking through “our gigantic catalogue called ‘Videolog’,” Marie and the sweater-vest-wearing Saved by the Bell nerd seem to bond over Peter Sellers, because we all know, to Marie, Peter Sellers is totally “one of [her] favorite” actors. But notice when she and Ferguson from Clarissa Explains it All look through that cinematic Necronomicon, she mentions that she can order it and give him a call when it arrives, prompting the bowtie bandit to express excitement over the prospect.

Was his expression of contentment about the ease of ordering a movie from Blockbuster or the mention of Marie giving him a phone call? I honestly cannot say for sure, because the only thing I’ve learned from these Blockbuster training videos is that everyone seems to want to awaken Marie sexually.

It’s got to be the headband.

Not to be outdone, Buster Sales once again enters the fold after Marie gives Glee Club Gary his video store nerd boner. But Sales has been spurned too many times by the curly brunette jailbait and this time, he will not be ignored. In a manner befitting Patrick Bateman, and having traded a razor-sharp axe for the sharp crashing of cymbals, Buster Sales decides the best way to “get [Marie’s] attention” is to crash them together like a gleeful menace, prompting Marie to cover her ears and agonizingly react, prompting everyone else in the Blockbuster to watch what they probably assume to be the work of an invasive devil (this was filmed in Georgia, after all).

If there is a second thing I’ve learned watching these training videos, it’s that Buster Sales is not only a pervy stalker in the Georgia Blockbuster, but probably a dangerous one at that.

Oh, and there’s Doug. Doug seems to have a lot of problems.

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Doug (left) with his mom, who probably forces the kids to read Bible verses or spend his nights alone in the basement. (Screenshot from YouTube).

I know it’s been said that Netflix and Redbox were the undoing of what was once the nation’s movie rental juggernaut. But let’s be real here. If I were hired to work at Blockbuster, and this was the training material assigned to me on my first day, I’d think there was something fishy at work and promptly quit.

Seriously, the last thing I would want as a possible Blockbuster employee is to find myself talking to a creepy perv in a TV screen that no one but I could see, especially if his idea of communication is to be a pushy, intrusive ass who think he’s King Salesman and, for whatever reason, has an obsessive preoccupation with my love life.

Unfortunately, he’s also the last thing we see.

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The look of a man with a goddamn van who just began his predatory plans. (Screenshot from YouTube).

 

###

 

Wait! Wait a minute! Doesn’t Marie look an awful lot like the girl who played Sydney in Superhuman Samurai Syber-Squad?!

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Son of a bitch…! (Screenshot from YouTube)

A Man and His #McChicken

Love knows no culinary bounds.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I love McDonald’s. I still eat Chicken McNuggets like they came from the table of Zeus himself. McDonald’s fries are still the best fries in the world. Hell, even the fact that I can’t go into McDonald’s without being subjected to Fox News hasn’t crippled my love of the place.

I have been indoctrinated by Ronald McDonald more effectively than any holy-rollin’ evangelical preacher who ever tried.

At the same time, I do not love McDonald’s as much as this guy.

Above is one man’s love of McDonald’s going far beyond that of anyone else. This dude went balls deep into a McChicken sandwich and his antics have taken the Internet by storm.

That’s just a small sampling of Tweets about the sitophiliac incident making its tour of the World Wide Web.

The fact this story is trending speaks to our cultural relationship with paraphilias. For most of us, our thing likely isn’t a “long-winded sexual struggle” with something from a fast food dollar menu. Instead it’s hair color, eye color, breast size, booty, nurse outfits, shaved genitalia — generally innocuous stuff. But for other people, their paraphilias are a little more outside of the scope of what we would consider “normal.” After all, this isn’t the first time the Internet buzzed about someone practicing sitophilia.

Just a couple of years ago, Twitter user @VERSACEPOPTARTS uploaded vines of himself screwing a Pop Tarts box, followed by another vine of him fornicating with a Hot Pocket. But the shock vids didn’t stop at merely Internet uploads. He also sent them to the official Twitter accounts of both purveyors of snackage, which resulted in the companies blocking him and account closures by both Twitter and Vine.

With the @VERSACEPOPTARTS incident in mind, maybe I’m reading too much into the McChicken debacle. Maybe the McChickenlover just thought “how can I break the Internet” and decided since he did not have Kim Kardashian’s ass, he would instead just James Deen the shit out of a McChicken sandwich. At the end of the day, regardless of why this video exists, I think it is screenwriter Adam Herz‘s fault.

Featured image by Evan-Amos and is in the public domain.

h/t Inquisitr

HIST1100: U.S. History with Katrina Pierson

#KatrinaPiersonHistory, as taught by Pierson at Trump University.

U.S. HISTORY, 1492 — Present
Instructor Katrina Pierson
Trump University
Fall 2016 Semester
MWF 9:30–10:50 am

Course Description and Objectives

The purpose of this course is to examine the history of the United States without bias from the liberal media or from liberal academic elites. Through reading and discussion, we will start with American colonial origins and move into the modern day. Coursework for this class will include discussion of topics in class, writing assignments, and tests.

In this course, we will examine the history of the United States and answer the following questions:

How did America’s humble beginnings affect its path to Independence?

How does religion play a part in American society?

How does America’s underdog history affect its standing as the greatest country in the world?

How has liberalism been managed as a threat to American interests?

Required Texts

Schweikart, Larry and Michael Allen. A Patriot’s Guide to the United States: From Columbus’s Great Discovery to America’s Age of Entitlement, Revised Edition. 10th Edition. ISBN: 978-1595231154

Back, Glenn, Kevin Balfe and Hannah Beck. Miracles and Massacres: True and Untold Stories of the Making of America. ISBN: 978-1476771205

Barton, David. The Jefferson Lies: Exposing the Myths You’ve Always Believed About Thomas Jefferson. ISBN: 978-1944229023

Course Requirements and Grading Rubric

Students are expected to come to class ready to learn. This means having all of their books and materials available for each class period. Students are expected to participate in classroom discussion and ask questions of the instructor and any guest speakers who may provide information pertinent to the class. Students are expected to put full-effort into the class, which includes reading and understanding all course materials as assigned. The grading rubric is as follows:

GRADES.jpg

Attendance/Participation – 20% – I take attendance in each class. You should be on time and ready to listen to the lecture and participate in any classroom discussion.

Daily Work – 15% –  Every so often, I will have small projects or assignments for students to do during class.

Mid-term – 10% – The mid-term will be held on Friday, October 14th and will cover information from weeks 1 through 8. This counts the lectures on Monday, October 10th and Wednesday, October 12th.

Group Project – 15% – This project covers the Bill of Rights. The class will be divided into 10 groups of 2-3 students apiece and each will be assigned an amendment from the Bill of Rights. This assignment is to identify the need for the amendment and the purpose of the amendment. Further, each group will assess the amendment and identify its effect on American history, from the Bill of Rights to today. Group projects will be assigned on September 16th and are due on October 28th.

Essay – 15% – Each student will be responsible for the composition of an essay examining the negative effects political and social liberalism have had in the American workplace. This essay will include effects on labor laws, the “rights” of workers, and the economy. Essays are due on Monday, November 21st.

Final Exam – 25% – The final exam will cover information from weeks 9 through 15. It will be held on Friday, December 9th.

Class Schedule

Week 1: August 22 – 26

The New World (1492 – 1763)

America’s beginnings, from it’s discovery by Christopher Columbus to the establishment of the 13 colonies. The effects of the French-Indian War. The beginning of the mistreatment Americans suffered by the British Crown.

Week 2: August 29 – September 2

The Rights of the Colonist (1765 – 1775)

King George III starts abusing the Americans through taxation. The seeds of our golorious revolution are sewn.

Week 3: September 5 – 9

Labor Day (No Classes)

The Revolutionary War (1775 – 1783)

Americans begin fighting off their British oppressors, winning gloriously through their own force of will. The British surrender and American becomes its own nation.

Week 4: September 12 – 16

The Constitution and the New Government (1787 – 1800)

The Americans establish their government, one of God and of freedom. Controversy surrounding the role of government leads to the Bill of Rights.

Group project assignment: Examination of Amendments to the Constitution.

Week 5: September 19 – 23

The Jefferson Era and The British Return (1800 – 1815)

The Jefferson Administration. The British return and are once again beaten by American willpower and prowess.

Week 6: September 26 – 30

God and Manifest Destiny (1805 – 1850)

America begins to fully realize its religious origins during the Second Great Awakening. America moves west and deals with the hostile savagery of the frontier.

Week 7: October 3 – 7

The North and the South (1850 – 1860)

The issue of slavery is blown out of proportion by those challenging the status quo, leading to the splitting of the perfect union. 

Week 8: October 10 – 14

The Civil War and Lincoln’s Assassination (1860 – 1865)

Big government tries to impose its will on the Southern colonies, who bravely fight back. President Abraham Lincoln is assassinated, paving the way for President Andrew Johnson.

Mid-Term Exam

Week 9: October 17 – 21

Reconstruction (1865 – 1877)

After the Civil War, the American government continues keeping their boots on the necks of the Southern states. Activist judges change the Constitution. The beginnings of the Ku Klux Klan and their ties to the Democrats.

Week 10: October 24 – 28

Communists, Anarchist, and other Threats (1870 – 1920)

Americans perverted by socialist and communist ideologies threaten the rights of business owners. Unions pop up, promoting dangerous ideology as “worker’s rights.” Anarchists resort to violence to challenge government oppression. Progressivism participates in American elections, further inflaming the conflict between workers and their bosses.

Turn in group projects

Week 11: October 31 – November 4

World War I and the Great Depression (1915 – 1940)

America comes to the world’s aid in World War I. The economy collapses, leading to the Great Depression. Franklin D. Roosevelt is elected President and decides socialism is the way to fix the economy with The New Deal.

Week 12: November 7 – 11

World War II and the Cold War (1942 – 1989)

America enters World War II and wins in both Europe and Asia. Russia and America begin their “Cold War.” Americans prosper. The Korean War and the Vietnam War cause controversy. President Ronald Reagan finally bests the Commies.

Week 13: November 14 – 18

9/11 and the War on Terrorism (2001 – 2008)

President George W. Bush begin the War on Terrorism. Reality sets in for Americans spoiled by the Clinton Administration. The government starts attacking American’s religious rights, gun rights, and autonomy.

Week 14: November 21 – 25

Turn in essays

Thanksgiving Holidays

Week 15: November 28 – December 2

The Obama Administration: A Portrait of Failure (2008 – Present)

The treasonous immigrant, Barack Hussein Obama, becomes President of the United States and begins poisoning America with the aid of Hillary Clinton and other liberals. Obamacare is a socialist threat. Obama forces gay marriage on the public. Obama isn’t an American citizen.

Guest lecture by Jerome Corsi on Obama’s citizenship.

Trump’s America: Making America Great Again (note: the outcome of the 2016 election will have an outcome on this lecture)

Week 16: December 5 – 9

Final Exams

Featured image via YouTube.

This Is What Happens When Your Name Appears on Urban Dictionary

Instead of buying 1001 Baby Names, how about asking your peers for naming advice?

What’s in a name?

One of the most harrowing parts of pregnancy is coming up with the name your demon-spawn will carry with them for their days. While some prospective parents fall back on such classics as “David,” “Charles,” and “Rebecca,” others choose to go down a more experimental path, giving their kids names that are “So’Unique,” they are the stuff of “Ledjend.”

Also, “Khaleesi” was a thing for a while.

There are plenty of name resources out there. For an amount of money that any rational person would consider obscene, couples buy baby naming books and argue over familial traditions, forsaking those familial traditions, or whether or not whatever name whichever parent suggests may result in their kids being stuffed in lockers.

There are plenty of naming resources out there — 10,000 Names for Your BabyThe [Insert Year Here] Baby Names Almanac, HBO. But there’s also Urban Dictionary

Urban Dictionary contains a cornucopia of names with definitions from the minds of people like you and me. Anyone can put together a book of names and their origins, but to decide a name based on the views of your peers — the “cultural” definition, so to speak — has, in this writer’s opinion, more value than whether the name has Hebrew origins.

There are thousands and thousands of names, so for the purpose of proving my thesis — that the views and opinions of the everyday person have more influence on the lives of potential children than The Complete Book of Baby Names — I’m going to use the names of my crew from my teenage years. Each name will have the picture of a celebrity with the same name, the definition of the name from one of those scam baby books, followed by the definition available on Urban Dictionary.

300 words in, the time has come to stop delaying…

Jason

Jason_David_Frank_2013_445x599
Jason David Frank, former Power Ranger turned MMA fighter turned two-time “Super Power Beat Down” winner. (Image by Florida Supercon, available under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license).

“The only name that can be spelled through 5 months of the year.” — Qu Ack

“A very HOT sexy guy who seems to be unattainable.” — Court311

“… Often RF Engineer by day, gigaloo by night.” — Yomama1

“Has a really big penis. Really big. Huge.” — Fly Grll

“A guy that is so god-like you can’t even stare at him to long without your retinas burning.” — Wiggywacky

“… the king of the fist pump; he’s so good you’d think he invented it.” — Hotpinkfuzz

“Not even Jesus or Chuck Norris are as awesome as this guy.” — Hippie Princess

Philip

Philip_Rivers_2013
San Diego Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers. (Photo by Jeffrey Beall, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license).

“… usually have enormous dicks…” — D4ddy

“The incarnation of awesome.” — Torture12345

“… a fairly mediocre person… proud of his mediocreness, which will range from his looks to his personality to his sex life, right down to his average little penis… very mediocre pain tolerance, so much so that if he were to burn his thumb while smoking with a rate Bahamian glass pipe he would drop the pipe instead of trying to protect the priceless piece.” — The Brock Solid

“A guy who loves to take his shirt off n spin his dick around like a helicopter like Petey Pablo.” — Mixxedteal

“The most stacked geezer in existence and the king of all gym lads. His looks can kill you and his bod is amazing. He is the one and only pussy destroyer.” — Netflix And Chill All Day

“A young male man who often takes the form of a pelican.” — Mr. Squiggle

Anderson (Michael)

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CNN Political pundit and anchor Anderson Cooper. (Photo by Tulane Public Relations, available under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license).

“Someone who has extordinary strength and is uber cool. Often confused with the Hulk, Hercules, or Superman.” — Will Whiteside

“A popular slang-name in the UK for a Vodka & Red-Bull alcoholic drink.” — PUNX-UK

“A sexy beast. Often horny. Loves sexual fantasies! Most likely a non-virgin before marriage. HAWT! Loyal and understanding. Beautiful.” — Cocopuffs666

“Lestrade’s sniffer dog; a man who loves dinosaurs, gets his floors scrubbed by Sally Donovan, and possibly has the lowest IQ in all of London.” — John Hamish Watson

“When you sit in a Skype call for an extended period of time and pretend you are a rock and wait for someone to mention yourself before you reveal yourself.” — Skaut

“1. a popular sirname in the United States
2. a poor city in South Carolina
3. a decaying Rust Belt city in Indiana, 37 miles NE of Indianapolis” — krock1dk

Manuel

383px-Portrait_of_King_Manuel_I,_Belem_Collection
King Manuel I of Portugal, 1469 — 1521. (Image is in the public domain).

“A player who can not control his hormones. And fucks everything that walks.” –Kathy Flores

“When one uses an X-ray in the popular video game Mortal Kombat X repetitively to win a match but loses in the end.” — Arthurbobsepic

“A Mexican man, usually fat. He likes cuss at people and shove around people. Other than that, he is a sort of nice person.” — Chocolate Border Collie

“Another word for shit.” — Domaday Puran

“In Guatemala, a ‘manuel’ is similar to saying a tight ass or a stingy person. So pretty much is someone who doesn’t like to spend a lot of money and thinks everything is expensive. They want discounts on everything.” — Saul J.

Bryin (traditionally spelled ‘Brian’)

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Experimental music pioneer Brian Eno. (Photo by John Grabowski, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license).

“1. A guy who’s heart is captured by the same girl always yet lives his life as if she didn’t exist when she’s not around.
2. Term for the best guy friend conversationalist. Someone you can vent to an actually get feedback and opinions.
3. A reliable “lean on me” kinda friend” — Amanda Nicole Romanach

“A highly intelligent guy who is handsome, funny, sexy, a great kisser… hung like a horse.” — Priviledged

“Also known as ‘Thundercock.'” — Diggidy332

“From the Celtic meaning having a very large penis and a lot of sexual stamina.” –Trevor82

“Usually referred to a big black bear. Has the ability to kill you but is too damn lazy and just goes ‘wwwooowwwww…….'” — Damnit Brian!

“The standard IT guy’s name.” — DaWordSmith

David

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Surrealist film director David Lynch. (Photo by Alan Light, available under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license).

“A formidable foe to normal people. Intelligent, strong forceful. A weird hybrid of a bully and a nerd. As well as the first dictator of the America and king of the new peaceful world. Also known as Timebomb and various other variations including at least TB.” — TkTb

“A man who is above all men. He reads the Urban Dictionary definitions and laughs at them.” — TheKarmaMan

“Name for a person capable of maintaining a massive erection through hours of vigorous intercourse with even the most experienced women.” — SuperBabyMethod

Raiza

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Raisa Gorbachyova, wife of former Soviet Union President Mikhail Gorbachev. (Photo by Elke Wetzig, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license).

“A magical tree that grows fruits that have been combined with other fruits.” — Raiza

Treena

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Pornographic actress and professional wrestling valet Trina Michaels. (Photo by Alan, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license).

“Treena: Groovy woman of rock and roll a love of Music.” — Treena McQueen

Jeff

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Animal and nature conservationist Jeff Corwin. (Photo by Brenden Delzer, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic license).

“Somebody who has just got what u need. A ‘Jeff’ is somebody who knows what it’s about.” — Je2f

“The correct spelling of Geoff.” — AdrianBourke

“A skeeza and a pleasa. Has the biggest schlong, dinga dong, kinga kong (if ya know what I mean).” — Clever Bastard

“… a name given to perhaps the only people with the capability of defeating Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris needs help, Jeff is the person that he will call.” — No, Bob Is Not My Uncle

“Broken penis caused by walking, slamming or, running into something or someone.” — Jamesyo

“An amazing person who plays guitar, likes alternative rock, and most likely sports a faux-hawk.” — Glassesandglitter

“A sneaky fucker. Acts all innocent but then surprises you with a whole storm of everloving shit.” — Mungus Hungus

“The guy who ALWAYS takes a dump at work, he may even describe it to you. Will repeatedly tell the same joke ‘I just got paid to take a shit!'” — JrPw

Edward

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Writer, poet, and painter E.E. Cummings. (Photo by Walter Albertin and contains no known restrictions on use).

“A name, not relating to the book ‘Twilight’. Most Edwards are ashamed to be associated with such an embarrassment of a book. Every time a girl meets an Edward, some instinct in their deranged little fan-girl heads causes them to blurt out ‘OMG EDWARD LYKE EDWARD CULLEN OMGOMGOMGOMG<3333333333 ARE YOU A VAMPIRE?!'” — Xhoi

“A character for the mass mess TWILIGHT. A 108 year old virgin, supposedly a vampire, who sparkles in the sunlight, loves a bland character due to their smell and has no personality. He is most noted for his stalking of said female.” — SparkleEater

“Albino crackhead with Lyme disease; has the smile of a rapist and should get a new weave.” — Ruthhii.

“Explosive. Diarrhea. With. A. Running. Drip.” –Thiefingdude

“A bong with a pentagonal base, making it less likely to tip over and spill.” –Deece

“A rare species of mosquito. Edwards are very large, reaching around six feet of height at adulthood. Their pores contain small neon sacs, which emit a white glow in certain lights, and cause Edwards to stay indoors most of the time.” — Seven8910

“A sexual predator who loves being taken from behind!” — Wilbarwrite

Well, this has been an interesting experiment. I guess the biggest takeaway here is that one should probably not use Urban Dictionary as a means to determine what to name their offspring. Aside from the fundamental lack of definitions for Raiza and Treena, most of these names contain references to big dicks and oral sex.

I suppose we shouldn’t be to shocked, though. This is the Internet, after all.

Also, you probably shouldn’t name your son Philip.

Featured image by Boldorf, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license.

Damn Babies, Hogging All the Breastmilk

When it comes to fetishes, “to each their own,” even if that fetish involves breastfeeding.

There are plenty of sexual fetishes out there, many of which define the relationship of the people involved. Some couples engage in dom-sub relationships. Others dress up like animals. I say “to each their own” when it comes to how people interact intimately, even when the intimacy between two people crosses over into whole new realms of bizarre.

I’m not talking about furries either. There are things more bizarre than furries.

Jennifer Mulford and Brad Leeson are engaged in a relationship with a very specific fetish prevalent. Even though Jennifer hasn’t had children in 20 years, she and Brad have an adult breastfeeding relationship (ABR).

ABRs involve the suckling of a woman’s breast by one or more adult partners on a regular basis. The nursing isn’t necessarily sexual for all ABR couples, instead a method for cultivating intimacy and tenderness between partners. In Jennifer Mulford’s experience, her arousal and sexual fulfillment from having her breasts played with during sex contributed to her stumbling upon a website devoted to ABRs, relationships of which very grew envious.

She dedicated herself to finding someone with whom she could have an ABR, which led her to discussing her desire with an ex-boyfriend, Brad. He mentioned his favor of large-breasted women, which prompted Jennifer to bring up ABR. Brad was open to the idea and their relationship began.

“At that moment I knew I had a partner for life… We both wanted the same thing out of the relationship — a magical bond that only breastfeeding can achieve.”

Jennifer quit her job as a bartender to devote her time and energy to their relationship, which involves dry-feeding and pumping her breasts to produce milk in two-hour intervals.

ABRs aren’t necessarily a new thing. The whole concept of adult women nursing other adults has been noted through most of modern human history. In the Middle Ages, subliminally erotic visions of saints have been noted, wherein breastfeeding is a poignant factor. Caritas Romana, or Roman Charity, is a story about a woman who breastfeeds her incarcerated father who was sentenced to death by starvation. A variation of Caritas Romana appears at the end of John Steinbeck’s 1939 novel, The Grapes of Wrath, and like the source material, presents a conflict between choosing to maintain a cultural taboo, resulting in someone’s death, or breaking the taboo to save them.

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“Caritas Romana,” by Bernardino Mei (17th Century, oil on canvas)

In pre-industrial England, “wet nurses,” who are employed to breastfeed children, were used to feed ailing adults in efforts to treat illnesses like pulmonary tuberculosis. Instances of women breastfeeding adults are also found in Islamic cultural lore and early-20th Century German philosophy.

There also exists a bar in Tokyo called The Bonyo Bar that employs nursing women to satisfy the erotic lactation fetishes of the bar’s patrons.

In the 2006 article “The breast/nipple/areola complex in human sexuality,” Dr. Roy J. Levin, a behavioral scientist, noted various studies about lactation and breastfeeding in adults.

“Approximately 33 to 50% of mothers described breast feeding as an erotic experience, while some 25% expressed guilt because of the sexual excitement that they felt (von Sydow, 1999). In a few cases the arousal is strong enough to induce orgasm which causes some nursing mothers to abandon breast feeding because of the sexual stimulation (Dickinson, 1949, p. 67; Masters & Johnson, 1966, p. 162). In a questionnaire on orgasm and pregnancy published in a Dutch magazine for women, Gianotten (1988) asked ‘Did you experience, while breastfeeding, a sensation of sexual excitement’, 34% (total n¼153) answered ‘Yes’ and to the question ‘Did you experience, while breastfeeding, pleasurable contractions in the uterine region’, 71% answered ‘Yes’. Of these 153 women who had been breastfeeding who replied to the question ‘Did you experience, while breast feeding an orgasm (during or as the result of breastfeeding)’, 12 (8%) answered ‘Yes’.”

In considering the studies referenced by Dr. Levin, it’s likely that eight percent of mothers are having orgasms while breastfeeding, while at least 30 percent are experiencing sexual arousal. It’s not wonder that adult breastfeeding has been a thing and is now a growing fetish trend.

For Jennifer and Brad, the line between nurturing and sex is thin, but manageable. They both feel they are better off having each other and the type of relationship they’ve chosen,

“It’s been difficult to distinguish the difference between nurturing and sex. Although it’s so beautiful and peaceful it’s also erotic. It’s been hard to get through the first few nursing sessions without being tempted to have sex, but each time it’s getting easier… I can come home from a very stressful day and seconds after Brad latching on I feel a sense of peace and calm. For that time I feel like we become one. I have yet to feel anything more comforting. It’s a bond that no one can come between.”

Featured image via Pornhub.

h/t New York Post