This Is What Happens When Your Name Appears on Urban Dictionary

Instead of buying 1001 Baby Names, how about asking your peers for naming advice?


What’s in a name?

One of the most harrowing parts of pregnancy is coming up with the name your demon-spawn will carry with them for their days. While some prospective parents fall back on such classics as “David,” “Charles,” and “Rebecca,” others choose to go down a more experimental path, giving their kids names that are “So’Unique,” they are the stuff of “Ledjend.”

Also, “Khaleesi” was a thing for a while.

There are plenty of name resources out there. For an amount of money that any rational person would consider obscene, couples buy baby naming books and argue over familial traditions, forsaking those familial traditions, or whether or not whatever name whichever parent suggests may result in their kids being stuffed in lockers.

There are plenty of naming resources out there — 10,000 Names for Your BabyThe [Insert Year Here] Baby Names Almanac, HBO. But there’s also Urban Dictionary

Urban Dictionary contains a cornucopia of names with definitions from the minds of people like you and me. Anyone can put together a book of names and their origins, but to decide a name based on the views of your peers — the “cultural” definition, so to speak — has, in this writer’s opinion, more value than whether the name has Hebrew origins.

There are thousands and thousands of names, so for the purpose of proving my thesis — that the views and opinions of the everyday person have more influence on the lives of potential children than The Complete Book of Baby Names — I’m going to use the names of my crew from my teenage years. Each name will have the picture of a celebrity with the same name, the definition of the name from one of those scam baby books, followed by the definition available on Urban Dictionary.

300 words in, the time has come to stop delaying…


Jason David Frank, former Power Ranger turned MMA fighter turned two-time “Super Power Beat Down” winner. (Image by Florida Supercon, available under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license).

“The only name that can be spelled through 5 months of the year.” — Qu Ack

“A very HOT sexy guy who seems to be unattainable.” — Court311

“… Often RF Engineer by day, gigaloo by night.” — Yomama1

“Has a really big penis. Really big. Huge.” — Fly Grll

“A guy that is so god-like you can’t even stare at him to long without your retinas burning.” — Wiggywacky

“… the king of the fist pump; he’s so good you’d think he invented it.” — Hotpinkfuzz

“Not even Jesus or Chuck Norris are as awesome as this guy.” — Hippie Princess


San Diego Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers. (Photo by Jeffrey Beall, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license).

“… usually have enormous dicks…” — D4ddy

“The incarnation of awesome.” — Torture12345

“… a fairly mediocre person… proud of his mediocreness, which will range from his looks to his personality to his sex life, right down to his average little penis… very mediocre pain tolerance, so much so that if he were to burn his thumb while smoking with a rate Bahamian glass pipe he would drop the pipe instead of trying to protect the priceless piece.” — The Brock Solid

“A guy who loves to take his shirt off n spin his dick around like a helicopter like Petey Pablo.” — Mixxedteal

“The most stacked geezer in existence and the king of all gym lads. His looks can kill you and his bod is amazing. He is the one and only pussy destroyer.” — Netflix And Chill All Day

“A young male man who often takes the form of a pelican.” — Mr. Squiggle

Anderson (Michael)

CNN Political pundit and anchor Anderson Cooper. (Photo by Tulane Public Relations, available under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license).

“Someone who has extordinary strength and is uber cool. Often confused with the Hulk, Hercules, or Superman.” — Will Whiteside

“A popular slang-name in the UK for a Vodka & Red-Bull alcoholic drink.” — PUNX-UK

“A sexy beast. Often horny. Loves sexual fantasies! Most likely a non-virgin before marriage. HAWT! Loyal and understanding. Beautiful.” — Cocopuffs666

“Lestrade’s sniffer dog; a man who loves dinosaurs, gets his floors scrubbed by Sally Donovan, and possibly has the lowest IQ in all of London.” — John Hamish Watson

“When you sit in a Skype call for an extended period of time and pretend you are a rock and wait for someone to mention yourself before you reveal yourself.” — Skaut

“1. a popular sirname in the United States
2. a poor city in South Carolina
3. a decaying Rust Belt city in Indiana, 37 miles NE of Indianapolis” — krock1dk


King Manuel I of Portugal, 1469 — 1521. (Image is in the public domain).

“A player who can not control his hormones. And fucks everything that walks.” –Kathy Flores

“When one uses an X-ray in the popular video game Mortal Kombat X repetitively to win a match but loses in the end.” — Arthurbobsepic

“A Mexican man, usually fat. He likes cuss at people and shove around people. Other than that, he is a sort of nice person.” — Chocolate Border Collie

“Another word for shit.” — Domaday Puran

“In Guatemala, a ‘manuel’ is similar to saying a tight ass or a stingy person. So pretty much is someone who doesn’t like to spend a lot of money and thinks everything is expensive. They want discounts on everything.” — Saul J.

Bryin (traditionally spelled ‘Brian’)

Experimental music pioneer Brian Eno. (Photo by John Grabowski, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license).

“1. A guy who’s heart is captured by the same girl always yet lives his life as if she didn’t exist when she’s not around.
2. Term for the best guy friend conversationalist. Someone you can vent to an actually get feedback and opinions.
3. A reliable “lean on me” kinda friend” — Amanda Nicole Romanach

“A highly intelligent guy who is handsome, funny, sexy, a great kisser… hung like a horse.” — Priviledged

“Also known as ‘Thundercock.'” — Diggidy332

“From the Celtic meaning having a very large penis and a lot of sexual stamina.” –Trevor82

“Usually referred to a big black bear. Has the ability to kill you but is too damn lazy and just goes ‘wwwooowwwww…….'” — Damnit Brian!

“The standard IT guy’s name.” — DaWordSmith


Surrealist film director David Lynch. (Photo by Alan Light, available under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license).

“A formidable foe to normal people. Intelligent, strong forceful. A weird hybrid of a bully and a nerd. As well as the first dictator of the America and king of the new peaceful world. Also known as Timebomb and various other variations including at least TB.” — TkTb

“A man who is above all men. He reads the Urban Dictionary definitions and laughs at them.” — TheKarmaMan

“Name for a person capable of maintaining a massive erection through hours of vigorous intercourse with even the most experienced women.” — SuperBabyMethod


Raisa Gorbachyova, wife of former Soviet Union President Mikhail Gorbachev. (Photo by Elke Wetzig, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license).

“A magical tree that grows fruits that have been combined with other fruits.” — Raiza


Pornographic actress and professional wrestling valet Trina Michaels. (Photo by Alan, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license).

“Treena: Groovy woman of rock and roll a love of Music.” — Treena McQueen


Animal and nature conservationist Jeff Corwin. (Photo by Brenden Delzer, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic license).

“Somebody who has just got what u need. A ‘Jeff’ is somebody who knows what it’s about.” — Je2f

“The correct spelling of Geoff.” — AdrianBourke

“A skeeza and a pleasa. Has the biggest schlong, dinga dong, kinga kong (if ya know what I mean).” — Clever Bastard

“… a name given to perhaps the only people with the capability of defeating Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris needs help, Jeff is the person that he will call.” — No, Bob Is Not My Uncle

“Broken penis caused by walking, slamming or, running into something or someone.” — Jamesyo

“An amazing person who plays guitar, likes alternative rock, and most likely sports a faux-hawk.” — Glassesandglitter

“A sneaky fucker. Acts all innocent but then surprises you with a whole storm of everloving shit.” — Mungus Hungus

“The guy who ALWAYS takes a dump at work, he may even describe it to you. Will repeatedly tell the same joke ‘I just got paid to take a shit!'” — JrPw


Writer, poet, and painter E.E. Cummings. (Photo by Walter Albertin and contains no known restrictions on use).

“A name, not relating to the book ‘Twilight’. Most Edwards are ashamed to be associated with such an embarrassment of a book. Every time a girl meets an Edward, some instinct in their deranged little fan-girl heads causes them to blurt out ‘OMG EDWARD LYKE EDWARD CULLEN OMGOMGOMGOMG<3333333333 ARE YOU A VAMPIRE?!'” — Xhoi

“A character for the mass mess TWILIGHT. A 108 year old virgin, supposedly a vampire, who sparkles in the sunlight, loves a bland character due to their smell and has no personality. He is most noted for his stalking of said female.” — SparkleEater

“Albino crackhead with Lyme disease; has the smile of a rapist and should get a new weave.” — Ruthhii.

“Explosive. Diarrhea. With. A. Running. Drip.” –Thiefingdude

“A bong with a pentagonal base, making it less likely to tip over and spill.” –Deece

“A rare species of mosquito. Edwards are very large, reaching around six feet of height at adulthood. Their pores contain small neon sacs, which emit a white glow in certain lights, and cause Edwards to stay indoors most of the time.” — Seven8910

“A sexual predator who loves being taken from behind!” — Wilbarwrite

Well, this has been an interesting experiment. I guess the biggest takeaway here is that one should probably not use Urban Dictionary as a means to determine what to name their offspring. Aside from the fundamental lack of definitions for Raiza and Treena, most of these names contain references to big dicks and oral sex.

I suppose we shouldn’t be to shocked, though. This is the Internet, after all.

Also, you probably shouldn’t name your son Philip.

Featured image by Boldorf, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license.

Damn Babies, Hogging All the Breastmilk

When it comes to fetishes, “to each their own,” even if that fetish involves breastfeeding.

There are plenty of sexual fetishes out there, many of which define the relationship of the people involved. Some couples engage in dom-sub relationships. Others dress up like animals. I say “to each their own” when it comes to how people interact intimately, even when the intimacy between two people crosses over into whole new realms of bizarre.

I’m not talking about furries either. There are things more bizarre than furries.

Jennifer Mulford and Brad Leeson are engaged in a relationship with a very specific fetish prevalent. Even though Jennifer hasn’t had children in 20 years, she and Brad have an adult breastfeeding relationship (ABR).

ABRs involve the suckling of a woman’s breast by one or more adult partners on a regular basis. The nursing isn’t necessarily sexual for all ABR couples, instead a method for cultivating intimacy and tenderness between partners. In Jennifer Mulford’s experience, her arousal and sexual fulfillment from having her breasts played with during sex contributed to her stumbling upon a website devoted to ABRs, relationships of which very grew envious.

She dedicated herself to finding someone with whom she could have an ABR, which led her to discussing her desire with an ex-boyfriend, Brad. He mentioned his favor of large-breasted women, which prompted Jennifer to bring up ABR. Brad was open to the idea and their relationship began.

“At that moment I knew I had a partner for life… We both wanted the same thing out of the relationship — a magical bond that only breastfeeding can achieve.”

Jennifer quit her job as a bartender to devote her time and energy to their relationship, which involves dry-feeding and pumping her breasts to produce milk in two-hour intervals.

ABRs aren’t necessarily a new thing. The whole concept of adult women nursing other adults has been noted through most of modern human history. In the Middle Ages, subliminally erotic visions of saints have been noted, wherein breastfeeding is a poignant factor. Caritas Romana, or Roman Charity, is a story about a woman who breastfeeds her incarcerated father who was sentenced to death by starvation. A variation of Caritas Romana appears at the end of John Steinbeck’s 1939 novel, The Grapes of Wrath, and like the source material, presents a conflict between choosing to maintain a cultural taboo, resulting in someone’s death, or breaking the taboo to save them.

“Caritas Romana,” by Bernardino Mei (17th Century, oil on canvas)

In pre-industrial England, “wet nurses,” who are employed to breastfeed children, were used to feed ailing adults in efforts to treat illnesses like pulmonary tuberculosis. Instances of women breastfeeding adults are also found in Islamic cultural lore and early-20th Century German philosophy.

There also exists a bar in Tokyo called The Bonyo Bar that employs nursing women to satisfy the erotic lactation fetishes of the bar’s patrons.

In the 2006 article “The breast/nipple/areola complex in human sexuality,” Dr. Roy J. Levin, a behavioral scientist, noted various studies about lactation and breastfeeding in adults.

“Approximately 33 to 50% of mothers described breast feeding as an erotic experience, while some 25% expressed guilt because of the sexual excitement that they felt (von Sydow, 1999). In a few cases the arousal is strong enough to induce orgasm which causes some nursing mothers to abandon breast feeding because of the sexual stimulation (Dickinson, 1949, p. 67; Masters & Johnson, 1966, p. 162). In a questionnaire on orgasm and pregnancy published in a Dutch magazine for women, Gianotten (1988) asked ‘Did you experience, while breastfeeding, a sensation of sexual excitement’, 34% (total n¼153) answered ‘Yes’ and to the question ‘Did you experience, while breastfeeding, pleasurable contractions in the uterine region’, 71% answered ‘Yes’. Of these 153 women who had been breastfeeding who replied to the question ‘Did you experience, while breast feeding an orgasm (during or as the result of breastfeeding)’, 12 (8%) answered ‘Yes’.”

In considering the studies referenced by Dr. Levin, it’s likely that eight percent of mothers are having orgasms while breastfeeding, while at least 30 percent are experiencing sexual arousal. It’s not wonder that adult breastfeeding has been a thing and is now a growing fetish trend.

For Jennifer and Brad, the line between nurturing and sex is thin, but manageable. They both feel they are better off having each other and the type of relationship they’ve chosen,

“It’s been difficult to distinguish the difference between nurturing and sex. Although it’s so beautiful and peaceful it’s also erotic. It’s been hard to get through the first few nursing sessions without being tempted to have sex, but each time it’s getting easier… I can come home from a very stressful day and seconds after Brad latching on I feel a sense of peace and calm. For that time I feel like we become one. I have yet to feel anything more comforting. It’s a bond that no one can come between.”

Featured image via Pornhub.

h/t New York Post