So You’re At The Bottom Of The Sea

Hello?

What’s up?

Oh, shit! Who the fuck are you?!

I think the better question is who the fuck are you?

I’m… I’m… I’m at the bottom of the sea… somehow…

That’s brilliant, Sherlock.

Hey, man, I don’t want to be down here…

Sounds like you have a problem, then.

Well, do you know how I can get back to the surface?

Umm… let me think. *thinks*

I mean, I really need to–

*thinks*

I only have a–

*thinks*

I DON’T HAVE MUCH OXYGEN LEFT!!!

Fuck, man. Can’t you see I’m trying to come up with a solution to your dilemma. Fucking fuck, you fucker.

Anything?

Well, I thought you could probably swim to the top, but you don’t have the anatomical superiority needed to do so.

Hey! I probably could–

Is your name Michael Phelps?

Well no.

Then, you can’t. Which really sucks, because…

Because what?!

Well, let’s just say that your lack of oxygen is not the only factor at play here.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

Are you feeling any joint pain?

No…

Incontinence?

What? No!

Are you having a seizure?

I don’t know… am I?!

A sensation that bugs are crawling over your body?

No! I mean… NO!!!

Well, that’s interesting, considering you have a giant isopod crawling on your back.

*flailing* What the fuck is that?!

This…

Bathynomus_giganteus
Image by friend of User:Borgx, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license.

… Isn’t she pretty?

What in the actual fuck is that thing?!

One of the great many denizens of this dark abyss called, well, the abyssal zone.

I’m that far down?! How?

You know, that’s a very good question. I can’t for the life of me understand how you’re not being crushed right now.

Maybe it’s my special suit?

Could be. I mean, science and shit.

How are you here?

Oh, I’ve been here.

That doesn’t answer my question.

LOOK OUT!

667px-Giant_squid
Image by Stephanemartin, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license.

*flailing* What’s going on now?

Giant squid.

The Kraken?!

No, that’s the colossal squid and it’s not as big as pirates made it out to be. LOOK OUT!

*faliling, sobbing* What the hell now…?

Oh, nothing. Just keeping you on your toes.

That’s so fucked.

No, what’s fucked is that you’re down here in the first place. You’re going to die, man.

Not if you help me figure a way out of here! You know what? Fuck you, dude. I’m going to figure this out on my own.

Good luck with that. It’s really fucking dark down here.

Whatever. I have a light. I’ll just turn it on and– *click* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD’S WRATH IS THAT?!

Humpback_Anglerfish_(Melanocetus_Johnsonii)
Image by Javontaevious, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license.

That would be an anglerfish.

It’s fucking teeth…!

Yep.

It could…!

Most likely.

Holy shit!

Protect your balls, sir.

It’s getting harder to breathe…

How much oxygen do you have left?

Umm… *examines oxygen indicator* … shit.

Okay, well, how did you get down here? Perhaps that would give us a clue as to how you can get back to the surface.

I guess I just sank. I mean, I was studying some marine life, slipped, and just plummeted downward. I may have blacked out for a bit, because I don’t remember anything that happened after I began my descent and before I woke up in total darkness.

That sounds like quite the pickle.

If I’m being honest, and this may sound crazy, but it felt like something pulled me down here.

Really? That’s weird. *whistles innocently*

What?

*shakes head* Nothing. That’s just weird is all.

Why are you whistling innocently?

No reason. HEY, LOOK OUT!

Fuck you.

*laughs*

Hmm… Maybe I can scale a cliff face or something?

Perhaps. You’d have to find one first. Also, man, you’re going to have to accept that you are at the bottom of the fucking ocean. Like, two-and-a-half miles down. You’re not going to make it. You’re just going to have to come to terms with the fact you are going to die here.

You make it sound so absolute.

It is. I mean, unless James Cameron is doing another deep sea dive at this exact spot.

What’s the likelihood of that?

About as likely as the NFL finally awarding the 1925 league championship to the Pottsville Maroons.

Huh?

Or about as likely as the Chicago Cubs winning another World Series.

Oh, come on.

Or about as likely as Kim Kardashian imploding under the weight of her own ass.

Seriously, dude.

Or about as likely Wal-Mart paying their employees a living wage.

COME ON, MAN! GIVE ME SOME HOPE!

Well, I suppose it’s more likely James Cameron will be diving in this exact spot at this exact moment than it is for you to be struck by lightning down here…

*glare*

… *chuckle* because, you know, you can’t get struck by–

I FUCKING KNOW I CAN’T GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING DOWN HERE!

Chill out, man. You wanted some hope.

Some realistic hope, asshole.

*snaps* Oh, shit! I don’t know why I didn’t think about it before!

Think about what?

You could ask Poseidon!

0036MAN_Poseidon
Image by Ricardo Andre Frantz, available under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported license.

Poseidon? Seriously, dude, stop fucking with me.

Dude! Poseidon is real.

No, he’s not.

Uh, yeah, he fucking is.

Shenanigans! I’m calling shenanigans! There is no way Poseidon is real. The Greek gods are myths. All. Of. Them.

What and the Abrahamic God isn’t? That bearded, angry, egotistical fucker?

Well, no. I don’t think he–

I’ll prove it to you.

Seriously, man. I have very little oxygen left and I would like to spend my last few minutes extending them as long as possible. That requires me to stop playing this fucking game with you. Do you understand?

Alright, fine. If you want to die, then fucking die. I just figured out a way to possibly save your life and you’re just going to sit there and be a fucking asshole about it? Whatever, man. Enjoy your stay on the abyssal plain. If you’re cold, there’s a fucking hydrothermal vent over there. Watch out, though, because there may be some giant tube worms over there.

Fine! Fuck you too, buddy!

I’m not your buddy, guy!

I’m not your guy, friend!

I’m not your friend, buddy!

I’m not your buddy, guy!

I’m not your guy, friend!

*silence*

I’m not your guy, friend!

*silence*

I’M NOT YOUR GUY, FRIEND!

*silence*

*shrug* Huh. Well, then.

MEGALODON
Screengrab from YouTube.

*chomp*

Good idea, Megalodon. I could use a meal myself. I wonder if I can get Papa John’s to deliver here…

Featured image is in the public domain and available via Wikimedia Commons.

Advertisements

Author: Robert L. Franklin

Ah, the About Me section - social networking's excuse for you sounding like an elitist prick. Hmm... what to say? What to say?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s